I know you are ready

Have you ever let your mind go to that place were you visit the scenario of your child dying. You play out how you could go on. Maybe you recall some news story about a child dying and you put yourself in the place of that Mother. You go into your child’s room and you kiss their sleeping face fully saturated with thankfulness you are- you are not that mother- your world is ok. You shove the dark sickening feelings away knowing they are not yours- those feelings don’t belong to you.

I used to be there too.

Today as I write this I’m deeply angry- I’m angry because that is right where I am in the grief cycle- the anger part-

I’m grieving my living child.

She keeps getting kidnaped- taken away- murdered

I wish I could forget who she was before she was taken by this disease.

Just when I have her back safe in my arms- she’s gone again- over and over

Just as I begin to heal- I’m hit again with the same reality- like waking up to find that bad dream is in no way a figment of my imagination but the life I’ve been called to lead.

When I get close, relax, melt into normalcy and let her fully back into my heart again

I open the door to all the love and feeling I’ve stuffed in that sweet closet of mothering instinct- it pours out- only to be wasted and shoved back in.

…. poof she’s gone again

I’m not sure my heart can take it- and a protective crust is forming

When I think about this being how it will be forever my inside wants to run out of my body. My mind does that weird thing…like trying to grasp the concept of infinity-

I’ve come through this once before- a second time seems impossible.

I know you who love her are ready- you are ready for her to be better

You don’t really want to know how we are- I can hear it when I try to tell you- in your downplaying- comparing- rationalizing. You want to believe surely we are exaggerating, surely there something else going on.

I want to tell you it’s ok believe me I do

I’m not being dramatic

I’m not willing to hide to make you feel better

I’m here to ask  you to not- doubt- question.

If you can’t handle the truth, if you can’t hold our hands, if you can’t walk with us PLEASE don’t ask, please please please don’t

If it’s too hard for you

too weird

too ugly

too scary

Then leave- get out and don’t come back.

We need rocks- we need hope- we need hands to hold us up.

Tell us you’re sorry, that you believe us, that you wish you could take it away but please oh please don’t try to explain away the hurt-

If you don’t understand then tell us you don’t with an open heart TO understand

If you need some help understanding just go back to that news story and spend five minutes picturing your child dying over and over- and maybe you’ll get a taste for just how it feels.

Comments

  1. 1

    Tonya Marshall says

    So deeply sorry you are going through all of this over and over again. I believe you and I also believe you have all you need, and then some, to make this different normal a beautiful normal. Do not feel judged. Nobody is judging, they are watching, to learn and to admire the strength of your unity with your husband and the beautiful girls you two are raising up to be productive and loving young ladies. This is your thing and you own it and take charge of it and learn it and teach it better than anybody so please know people may not be as articulate but they are watching an incredibly strong lady do her thing. Hugs. Just keep on doing it and show the rest of us how it is done.

  2. 3

    Meg says

    I have felt this so many times it makes me hurt inside just thinking about. It is so real and what you describe is the truth. Love and prayers to you my friend. I pray for the day we can look back at this diffucult time and say “remember when it was that hard?”

  3. 5

    Ann austin says

    Been there and it finally happened. Several tries till God took her and gave me relif Knowing where she is a comfort but several times a week I fight tears of what she could havbeen and how much we miss her.

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