Have you ever let your mind go to that place were you visit the scenario of your child dying. You play out how you could go on. Maybe you recall some news story about a child dying and you put yourself in the place of that Mother. You go into your child’s room and you kiss their sleeping face fully saturated with thankfulness you are- you are not that mother- your world is ok. You shove the dark sickening feelings away knowing they are not yours- those feelings don’t belong to you.
I used to be there too.
Today as I write this I’m deeply angry- I’m angry because that is right where I am in the grief cycle- the anger part-
I’m grieving my living child.
She keeps getting kidnaped- taken away- murdered
I wish I could forget who she was before she was taken by this disease.
Just when I have her back safe in my arms- she’s gone again- over and over
Just as I begin to heal- I’m hit again with the same reality- like waking up to find that bad dream is in no way a figment of my imagination but the life I’ve been called to lead.
When I get close, relax, melt into normalcy and let her fully back into my heart again
I open the door to all the love and feeling I’ve stuffed in that sweet closet of mothering instinct- it pours out- only to be wasted and shoved back in.
…. poof she’s gone again
I’m not sure my heart can take it- and a protective crust is forming
When I think about this being how it will be forever my inside wants to run out of my body. My mind does that weird thing…like trying to grasp the concept of infinity-
I’ve come through this once before- a second time seems impossible.
I know you who love her are ready- you are ready for her to be better
You don’t really want to know how we are- I can hear it when I try to tell you- in your downplaying- comparing- rationalizing. You want to believe surely we are exaggerating, surely there something else going on.
I want to tell you it’s ok believe me I do
I’m not being dramatic
I’m not willing to hide to make you feel better
I’m here to ask you to not- doubt- question.
If you can’t handle the truth, if you can’t hold our hands, if you can’t walk with us PLEASE don’t ask, please please please don’t
If it’s too hard for you
Then leave- get out and don’t come back.
We need rocks- we need hope- we need hands to hold us up.
Tell us you’re sorry, that you believe us, that you wish you could take it away but please oh please don’t try to explain away the hurt-
If you don’t understand then tell us you don’t with an open heart TO understand
If you need some help understanding just go back to that news story and spend five minutes picturing your child dying over and over- and maybe you’ll get a taste for just how it feels.