Dear child who is not sick- the one no one talks about,
I see you and I’m sorry I don’t act like it.
I’m sorry I have nothing left for you, that I can’t really parent you right now- that you’ve had a few years of your life hijacked.
It’s not fair, it’s really not.
You are damaged and I know it.
We’ll repair it with therapy- maybe but it won’t ever be totally fixed.
I dream about you- about what God has planned for you.
I think about God’s baby factory up in heaven- how he knits together each little gift and then places them neatly in the frame of a movie playing below. I know he knows the ending and boy I wish I could get a glimpse of at least the middle or maybe hold a few pages of the script.
It’s gonna be good because you are.
I wonder why this way?
This isn’t the plan I had for you I promise- I really do.
I used to sit in front of my elementary school hot lunch and dream of being the mother that made the beautiful homemade lunches- the ones with love notes and folded napkins.
I planned to read to you not park you in front of the TV.
I never dreamed I’d send you to the neighbors to protect you from our life.
I fed you only breastmilk and organic homemade baby food and now I’ll quickly settle for Cheetos.
I yell at you when it’s not about you.
I push you aside.
I’m desperate to connect- to love you and care for your with my 110% mommy self. She’s in there don’t give up on her.
I feel like this and it brings me low and covered heavy with pain and grief and regret.
Somehow in those moments I remember the truth.
I remember that even your life is not your own. You belong to God- he created you for a purpose and it has nothing to do with music lessons, monograms or me.
He’s going to reveal your path, the one we just can’t see today.
This is the footing for that path the underpinning to who you will be. And I’m sorry but it has to be hard- not because you are special or better but because it’s a life here on earth separated for God- and that’s just hard.
No matter who your sister, mother, father is it’s gonna be tough here.
You are called according to HIS purpose- remember that and use it to dilute the pain of your childhood memories, memories of this time that is so very ink black terrible. I pray you will always see this time under the light of what God has made you into through it.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.