Today I pulled into a dark Fall driveway and was greeted by a flood of needs.
A neglected child
A lonely and stressed husband
A dog who missed his daily companion
I was knocked by the force of it, overwhelmed by my inadequacy.
The people, and animal, were needy because three days prior I had left them in an emergency dash.
The previous four days had been filled with the cries, screams and rages of a child whose mind is fully under attack, a child desperate for death to deliver her from pain. The kind of behavior that leaves you desperately pacing, pulling your own hair, grabbing at your own face hungry for answers.
On the advice of her doctor we, my dear brother, father and I, raced to D.C. for the IVIG therapy we hoped will calm her storm. During IVIG antibodies from a thousand different donors are administered to the patient. The hope is that the administered antibodies would “retrain” the abnormal antibodies of the patient or that the large amount antibodies administered may simply overwhelm the patient’s harmful antibodies.
Each day I sat in a room as this hope serum was infused into my sweet child for over five hours. I watched a boy next to us have and anaphylactic reaction to the same medicine she was getting; I listened to my husband’s pressed voice tell of the night mares our younger daughter is having and how she hears her sister’s “phantom” screams in her tender mind while at school: I felt the saliva drip through my fingers as I pleadingly covered Greta’s mouth, desperate to stifle her screams as we rushed her out of the hotel room and into the car each night. She was in full rage, her mind shook and distorted after treatments. We drove and we drove and drove around the silent streets of Washington because there was no where else to go.
The next moring I sat in the hallway of the hotel outside the propped open door of our room among the smelly room service trays dizzied by the busy carpet, totally and completely at the end of myself.
Desperate for some escape, I dialed one of my closest friends…knowing she’d answer…knowing she was with my other rocks at our weekly Bible study. And what beautiful truth one of them spoke.
Here is what she said:
It’s not up to you
It’s not on your shoulders
God’s grace takes over where you fail and when you fail
The buck does not stop with us
We just can’t be God for our children
In short she was telling me the truth- I’ll never be enough for my children- never ever.
They need so much more than me.
There’s been a lot of silence between my girls and I lately, silence I can’t take back. Opportunities to point them to the “thing” that is enough and I’ve remained silent far too often. Tonight as I lay next to our younger daughter, rubbing her back trying to eek some emotion and compassion from my depleted mind and soul I spoke some truth and I think she got it.
“God allows bad things sometimes and one day we will understand why, but I promise you it will all work out for our good.” she didn’t question she just said, “I know mommy I know it will.”
WE are not enough, on our best day, in periods of trial, in wealth, in beauty in anything… it’s not enough. Our children will always have a Jesus sized hole in their little hearts-
If I want to be enough…. I just have to point them away from me and towards the only one who can fill it. Nothing but Jesus.
33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”